No Sex, No Dress, No Cigar
in Starr Testimony

By Patricia Wilson
Reuters

WASHINGTON (Nov. 19) - There was no sex, no stained blue dress, no cigar. Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr scrubbed clean his explicit report to Congress, offering Thursday a sanitized version of President Bill Clinton's sexual dalliances with White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

The independent counsel's meticulous reprise of his four-year investigation of Clinton before the House Judiciary Committee impeachment hearings broke no new ground, but inspired schoolyard-type squabbling and name-calling among panel members.

The gavel had barely fallen when Democrats began to toss insults, decorum flew out the window and Republicans started to quarrel over parliamentary procedures.

The fireworks quickly fizzled when Starr launched into his drab, professorial and -- above all -- long opening presentation accusing Clinton of misusing power and thwarting the search for truth in the Lewinsky affair and other matters.

Humorless, stiff and inexpressive, the former judge waded through a 58-page statement that had been leaked to the press hours before. His audience fidgeted and wriggled in the packed hearing room.

As Starr read on, Rep. Barney Frank left to go to the gym. The Massachusetts Democrat told reporters he'd be back in about 45 minutes. Starr was still speaking.

With relief in sight, and sticking precisely to the second-last page of his pre-released text, Starr all but admitted to being a stuffed shirt.

''My experience is the law and the courts. I am not a man of polls, public relations or politics -- which I suppose is obvious at this point,'' he said.

Judiciary committee members had no trouble filling that void.

Democrat John Conyers of Michigan castigated Starr as ''a federally paid sex policeman'' obsessed with driving Clinton from office and his colleague, Sheila Jackson Lee, a Texas Democrat, complained that while justice should be blind, it should not be gagged, a reference to a 30-minute time limit on questioning by Clinton's lawyers.

The silver-haired, courtly chairman Henry Hyde -- mindful that the proceedings were being carried live by eight American television networks -- did his best to maintain order.

''This is not a trial, nor is it the White House against Ken Starr,'' the Illinois Republican said. ''The president has a standing invitation to come before the committee for any amount of time at his convenience.''

Clinton's four-man legal team, led by private attorney David Kendall, swept into the room and posed for a forest of photographers.

Starr, clad in a gray suit, blue shirt straining at the collar, made an unimposing entrance from a side door and took a seat alone at the witness table. Behind him sat a trio of assistants looking remarkably like caricatures of their boss.

The sideshow acts were ably led by Michael Moore, a kind of guerrilla filmmaker who subjected General Motors to ridicule in the well-received ''Roger and Me,'' a reference to the automaker's former chairman -- the imperious Roger Smith.

Wearing a green baseball cap with a big white ''S,'' which he said stood for ''Sex police,'' Moore said he was gathering material for ''The Awful Truth,'' a half-hour show to air on cable television.

A few weeks ago, Moore visited Starr's suburban Virginia neighborhood, accompanied by an assortment of pilgrims and puritans to show ''a cheaper way to conduct a witch hunt.''

A short and portly Thomas Jefferson look-alike gate-crashed a news conference by South Carolina Republican Lindsey Graham outside the hearing room.

''I had an affair. Impeach me,'' the Jefferson character declared.

''Thank you, Mr President,'' Graham replied.

Scientists recently revealed that, through DNA typing, they had determined the third president of the United States fathered a child with a slave.

As the day wore on and enthusiasm ran out, a few pro-Starr demonstrators outside packed up their ''Jail to the Chief'' placards, leaving the sidewalk to a lone bagpiper.

''When all is said and done today, there's going to be a lot more said than done,'' declared Senate Democratic Leader Sen. Tom Daschle of South Dakota.

REUTERS 16:39 11-19-98

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